Hello 2017, here is some note to myself

It has been a while i never share about my feelings in my blog. I can’t remember when is the last time i share about my personal thoughts in my social media. As years go by, i started to keep things to myself rather than sharing to public. I miss how things used to be in the past, i miss how true i can be without worrying about people’s opinion. I miss those days i was so passionate about everything. 

You know what, I'm a vey dependent person for the past few years. Every single decision i made, i have to asked that one person. Every single things. Even before i publish a blog post, i will show him my draft before i live it. Just to double check whether it's alright. I’m lack of self confident. Yes i know, i had been relying too much on him, which is wrong. And life taught me the hard way. 

I know..Sometimes life closes doors because it’s time to move forward. And that isn’t a bad things because we often won’t move unless circumstances force us to. After all these years, i learnt to look at what i have, instead of what i have lost. Because it’s not what the world takes away from you that counts; it’s what you do with what you have left. Life move on anyways. 

Recently, I’ve been struggle a lot with my career and my own business. I’m not very satisfy with what i’ve achieve thus far. I felt lost sometimes. Honestly, It's not easy being a one-man show when it comes to business. Not easy for me, but i have no second thoughts of giving up. I want something more, i want something better. You know, When you decide to get serious about growing your business, the first thing you notice is that you slam up hard against the forces of insecurity, self-doubt and limiting beliefs. I really can’t make decision sometimes. I wish i can have someone to guides me or even encourages me to go for what i want. 

Maybe i shouldn’t expect help from others. Maybe it is time to be independent. 

It’s like the old story that each of us has two wolves in our hearts, always fighting against each other to control us; one good and the other evil. Sometimes, I’ve been feeding the wrong wolf, and it’s been holding me back.  All these negativity cause me to run the other way and abandon my plans most of the time, but more often than not they just cause me to stand still, doing nothing and generally feeling terrible about myself. I really need to get through this. Well, i know i will get through this eventually. All i need is some positivity

Okay, enough of negativity for tonight. Bye

There's always this question in my mind…...

"WHO AM I WITHOUT SOCIAL MEDIA?"

So called a "BLOGGER" aka "SOCIAL MEDIA INFLUENCER"..

Some of the people around me always says that : " Waaa, your life is good, just post a few photos and earn good money", "I wish i can do what you're doing ", " It is such a pretty girl privilege" etc. I have to admit that, I AM LUCKY. Yes i'm just lucky but you didn't see how much hard work and efforts i've put in for years. AND, it's definitely not because of a PRETTY FACE because i don't think i'm pretty enough to conquer the market. LOL! I'm sure there's tons of pretty girls out there who are 100000 times prettier than me, more talented than me and they have smoother skin than me! That's the reason why, i don't feel proud/happy at all when people actually says that to me. I would be more appreciated if someone knows all the efforts behind all these fake shit. 

Our society encourages us to seek comfort. Even the products and services advertised nowadays are designed to make us more comfortable, effortless and less challenge. Of course, we do enjoy what technology has brought us. But, is that what our lives suppose to be?

I've been really struggle for the past few months, not determined enough to chase after my dream

You know what, I always wanted to run my own business ever since i graduated. 

But I'm very insecure with myself and I have low self-esteem and there's always this fear of getting into trouble. Someone told me that I'm just being too fearful, i feel stress on something that hasn't even started yet. That's ridiculous, but that's me. I feel unsure with my decision, fears.

The only thing that's stopping me

I'm not sure whether i'm the only one who thoughts so. After since i started to play Instagram, i started to neglect about my blog. Blog is where i started with all these social media things. Forget about FRIENDSTER, i don't have it anymore. I had abandoned long ago. Hahaha. As we all seen, there is so many social media around. Facebook, Twitter, Blog, Youtube, Dayre, Instagram and now..Snapchat! It is totally impossible to master every single of it. LOL. 

WHY DO I LIKE INSTAGRAM MORE?

Because it had become addictive. Especially when you see your likes and followers gaining instantly. Unlike blogpost, you have to prepare photos, thoughts, information, or maybe video to complete a blog post. Instagram is so much easier, lesser efforts, you can just snap a photo and publish. You don't even have to think about what to write for the caption, because it can be a short one..or maybe just a words ( a very artsy word/quotes) with a whole lot of hashtags.That's the reason why i've slowly neglect my blog. Because Instagram is so much easier compare to blog. 

There is a time when i get really stressful with my works, i burst out of tears when i get really stress. NO JOKE, i'm a human too. There is a time when i feel like giving up. That's the side that i don't show to anyone. I hate being emotional and i feel like a weak girl, therefore i am trying hard to overcome all these problem. CONTROL CONTROL CONTROL. We all probably know people, at work or in our personal lives, we are facing problem. Like me. We are all human. It's totally normal to find yourself in awe, and wish you had the ability to control your emotions too. I always know that emotional awareness and the ability to handle feelings can determine your success and overall happiness in all aspects of our life.

Recently, i've been really stressful with my works. I wish i can just leave my works, especially my PHONE aside and FLY away. But i can't. Still have to face it no matter i like it or not. The only ways i can release my dissatisfied is here - my little space. 

There's something that spark in my mind that makes me wanna blog about this tonight. 

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

I wish i can conquer it 

I'm here to do a little update of my current life again, just in care you're curious. ha ha!

I've been busy with ton of works, study, and my own business. This March is awesome, I'm slowly getting the things i've wish for. I guess my efforts paid off. Well, i guess i should stay as positive as i can..so that the good things will come. Thanks God for giving me so much opportunities and experience to learned thus far. I'm blessed and i will not stop working for MORE.  

Today is a long long day, it has been a while i never WORK for such a long hours. 

The last time i work for all these shooting job is 5-6 years back. I used to work as a freelancer when i was 18 years old. Hahaha, How time flies. I FEEL SO OLD NOW! *whatever* During my younger time, i used to work a lot of modeling job. But then i started to think, how long can i work as a freelancer. Cause somehow, it's not a "long term" things to do for my life. I've BIG dream to achieve. Hahaha. 

So…i went to do something else when i was 19, which is direct selling. Hahahaha. Yes, i did direct selling (MLM) for 2-3 years. That the time when my life had totally CHANGED. Well, not to say that MLM is not good, because there's always pros and cons in every industry. I'm glad that i've learnt so much through these years and i've clearer direction towards what i really wanted to do. 

No regret, just lessons learned :)

I know a lot of you might be curious about "WHAT I DO FOR LIVING"

Basically, I'm a full time blogger. I'm a person who always have a PLAN B. 

So, i started off my online boutique as my side income. Others than that, i'm also a part time student now, learning Japanese language. So far, everything goes well. I'm thankful for it. Maybe it's time for me to learn something NEW right now. I was planning to take a personal trainer courses in the future. Hmmmm, Just to gain some knowledge since i've passion in fitness. What do you think? 

*let me know let me know give me some opinion*

Here's an opportunity i've gotten recently. Something different from what i'm usually doing. 

 I'm truly blessed to be selected as a talent for this project. A fashion brand, will share with you guys when the video is out & if i doesn't looks too ugly. hahaha

Today is the first day of Chinese New Year.

I'm here to wish all of you a Happy & Prosperous Chinese New Year!

时间过的好快，我都快跟不上那个节奏了，老娘一年比一年长大了。

其实农历新年每年都有的，不同的只是每年的气氛和心态。

小时候一想到新年就会想起 “红包”，新衣服，学校假期，跟朋友拜年，和美味的佳肴

以往真的会很期待新年的到来，可是如今也没有什么期待的

以前的我买新衣还真的会买初一到三十都穿不完的衣服＊哈哈哈＊

今年的新年都没有什么时间去买自己的衣服，只买了礼品和海味给家人。

发现渐渐长大后，对新年的看法又不一样了。

什么都比较喜欢简简单单。

和家人聚会吃饭不用等到一年一次的年三十晚才吃吧？

和朋友相聚其实不一定要等到什么佳节才现身，平日也可以不是吗？

为什么新年一定到聚赌？难到没有其它的东西可以做吗？

大家一起坐下喝喝茶聊聊现况不是更好吗？

孝顺父母不是要等到佳节才来孝顺的不是吗？

为什么要那么在意红包多少钱呢？

哈哈哈哈哈哈＊我看我是真的老了＊

我发现身边好多人都没有真正体会到春节的意义

其实新年真正的意义是和家人聚在一起，无论做什么都无所谓啊。

只要在一起，咸鱼白菜也很好味

家是永远最温暖的地方。

好了，话不多说

祝大家，羊年和谐、心想事成  ❤

I'm not sure whether any of you realize it or not… i kinda lost my passion in blogging

Sorry readers. I used to blog a lot of my personal stuff in my blog but now it's full of adverts. No matter what, it's part of my job that i've to commit. I'm trying to find a balance between my career & passion. Hopefully i can make it right, i don't wanna forget who i really am. (so deep, hahaha) I know i've said this a thousand times. But i really miss the time i passionate about everything. Being so positive towards everything. Especially fitness, I used to shared my experience, everything in this little space…"BLOG" is a place that accompany me during all my down time. I really miss spending time in gym, sweat all out, focus with myself.. ignore the others..Just work my heart out! That's the best moment i ever had, seriously. It's so much carefree. 

I used to be so positive last time, so so so hardworking in everything. I'm wondering where did "the girl" went right now, i want her back...So badly. To be honest, i was really "chill" last year compare to 2013 (when i first started to workout).. People always think that i'm a very hardcore & healthy person, but in facts i don't really hit the gym (just on & off season in 2014) I feel bad about myself, i feel guilty. I don't want to be like that anymore this year.

I always asked myself the same question.."are you satisfy with yourself?" 

The answer is always "NO" 

I know i've been slack & neglect about my blog (my passion)

But this year, i really really want to make a different, a BIG different. *plans in my head*

It's another sleepless night. Full of thoughts in my mind.

So i guess it's better to express some of my feeling here, if possible.
I wish i'm good at expressing myself, but i'm not. I can't even say it out sometimes.
I might looks quiet, but deep inside. I have so much to say, so much to know.

These days, i've been really stressed. Yes, i mean really really stressed. 

Mainly is because of my online boutique business and blogging. These two is my main income. Yes, I don't have a 9-5 job, that's why people always think that i'm FREE (nothing to do). Basically, i'm not very "FREE", it's just my working hours is flexible. In fact, i didn't even get to rest. I scarify most of my time for my career. There's no break/holiday for me. I have to always be prepared to do my job. When i have extra time, i will just lying on bed and keep my mind blank.(IF only i can). Trust me, it's not easy to mange both in the same time. That's the reason why i'm so stressed out…maybe i'm just not good in managing/my expectation is too HIGH. 

Seriously, handling everything by my own is NOT EASY.

For example...my online boutique. I'm the only one who running it. Multi-task everything by my own. I'm my own purchaser, accountant, model, customers service, marketing, photographer of my own shop. Hahaha, It's really tiring sometimes, i wish i can have someone to help me out. I really wanna expand my business to be bigger, but one person's ability is very limited. Somehow, i need someone. 

If you know me in person, then you would probably know that i'm a perfectionist.
No worries, i'm not that kind of person who want to be perfect in EVERYTHING. Only some particular stuff that i'm concern about. I won't settle for anything less. In life, I always wanted to achieve better. To be independent. I want my own business to be stable, solid and stable income while i'm still young. I wish i can and i'm still working for it. *stress stress stress*

For my blog, I'm getting lesser and lesser of inspiration to blog.
You know what, It's easy to start blogging but it's hard to maintain a blog. It requires a lot of efforts and  heart. Blogging is not easy for me because i can't always TYPE things out. i need inspiration to blog.  *my mind stuck* I really should READ MORE BOOKS!!! I used to be very passionate in blogging…during the time i blogged about fitness. But now…..i didn't even go to the gym sometimes. Just ON & OFF season the whole 2014. *slap me please*…I want myself back, i want myself back T_______T

There is a time i got lost in my life. No directions at all. I've no idea which way should i go.
I wish i could have someone to guide me and motivate me. But then i know i shouldn't always wait for that 'someone' to push me forward. I'm not a baby girl anymore. I should learn how to carry myself and push myself forward without any help. *tough* Independent is the KEY, it's time to make full use of the time of 2015. I always said that i will appreciate my time but then i realized i didn't really make full use of it most of the time. Stop being SLOW & LAZY. Kick the BAD HABIT off Karen.


I guess it's just me talking to myself. Hahaha.

Sorry for the mess. I'm just stressed out.

Full of "NOT GOOD ENOUGH" feeling…

Motivation needed.

By the Negative Karen xx

As Christmas passes so does another year. Hello 2015!

 It's time for New Year's Resolutions. Yes, just another New Year's Resolutions post before 2014 come to an END. Regular readers of my blog will know that my new year’s resolutions tend to be the same as each new year rolls around. Get fit, be healthy, Earn more money, Travel more, be happy, spend money wisely, learn more… You know, the usual. Same, same old. 

2014 is a year of loss. Too many bad news happened this year. For me, for many of us. 

Seriously, It wasn't a good year for me. Everything else is fine, my career..my goals. I think i've accomplish most of it. The only things is that i haven't fulfill my europe trip. although i already had my budget for it *just waiting for the right travel partner* Yay, I'm suppose to be happy with what i already had BUT there's a things that kills me in 2014. This year, i've loss someone important in my life. I hate the fact but i have to accept it.  There's so much pain to bear, too much. But i'm not here to complain about anything. I know, there's nothing that i can do to change the situation. I have to be tough, hold the pain and go thru it.

"Life goes on"..i always knew.

No matter what, I can't blame. That's L I F E. It's tough but I'm still thankful for everything i have earned and learnt. Everything happen for a reason perhaps. Maybe it's just the stage of life i have to experience.  However, I'm still lucky because at least i have that someone with me throughout the up & down. I appreciate that, What could i ask for more.

There's so many UP & DOWN this year. Few days back, it was missing Air Asia flight QZ8501. It's a third air incident this year involving Malaysia. It's a tough time. Losing someone you love/care is really painful. I know there's no words to describe how painful it is. Sigh, Deep Condolences to the families. 

You know what, i used to think that MONEY is really important in life. But then i realized something. Life is not all about MONEY. Of course, we do need money to survive. We only need "what we need", not a lot of money. Don't work for money blindly. Okay, It might sounds a bit silly for those who disagree with my statement. But sooner or later, you will understand what i'm trying to say. hahaha *deep* There are many things that more valuable than money. There are things that money can't buy. 

everyone dies but not everyone lives

Appreciate when you have the chance to live, live it the fullest. 

Achieve your goals, enjoy life, do what makes you happy

That matter most. 

Every life lost is as precious money can't buy. 

Life is short, you have to live everyday like it's your last. If you want something, GO FOR IT. Stop holding back because of fears. In the end of the day, you are the only one who regret with it. Trust me, you will never know until you TRY. Time is really precious, don't waste it. 

Hopefully 2015 is better, i do pray for a better year for every of us. 

I'm turning 24 soon. *sad but true* 

Now, There's only few things i want to do in life :

1. Make my parents proud of me 

2. Travel, Enjoy my life 

3. Be happy, achieve better in life

4. Learn MORE

5. Be inspiring 

6. Be good 

Tomorrow is the first blank page of 365 page book.

Write a good one :)

Happy 2015 my dear readers ❤

Thanks for reading my blog all this while 

我考虑了好久不知道应不应该publish这篇文章

趁我还没删掉之前，让你们看看～～～～

（随时改变注意当中。。。。。）

还记得最初开始写部落格的时候，总爱分享自己的生活点滴，感想。

不知不觉这些所谓真实的感想渐渐缺少在我部落格里，因为害怕被人看见感性的一面。

可是今晚，心里好想有特别多的感触。

应该说（不止今晚）…因为我好想无时无刻都那么多感触，只是没有分享出来。

平日，除了在Twitter分享一些quote以外…其实都不会写太多感想之类的文章。

原因是因为个人觉得  ～好 ～害～羞

今晚，让我分享一些些好吗 *poke poke*

曾经的自己，在叛逆时期做了太多的错事，伤害了爸爸妈妈的心。

但是人谁无过？就是因为曾经的错误成就了今天的我，更懂得珍惜身边的一切

感激几位这些年来对我不离不弃的朋友，感激不断给我正能量的人，感激我无私的家人

我知道，曾经的我花了父母好多的钱，供我读书之类的（最后还是没读成）

一些三姑六婆，Aunty Uncle 都看不起我，说三道四，说我没好好读书什么的。

但是我想问问在座各位，多少个能学以致用呢？会读书不代表会赚钱

平均一个学位2万到5万，请问要出来工作多少个月才能赚回呢？

搞清楚，我并不是说没有必要读书，但是最重要的是知道自己要什么

不要因为父母／文凭而读书，要先清楚想想自己的路该怎么走才对

如果你是读专科的话，例如医生，律师，飞机师etc的当然要读个学位啊！

但是如果连自己以后要做什么都不知道的话，干嘛浪费时间浪费金钱？

人生最重要有方向，知道自己要什么..然后去争取！

（纯粹个人立场）

当初的我是修心理学，但是我心里却不知道毕业后能做些什么。

理想吗？我有！我想当个事业型女强人

那么女强人该做什么？当然是做生意啊！

于是我19岁停学了， 出去社会“挣饭吃”…

当然，我也有失败过，经历过很多东西。

虽然说如今的我不算成功，但是至少我不再用父母钱

自己想买什么都能自己买给自己，我很知足。

...一个再错的人也有改过自新的机会..

只想让曾经看不起我的人知道，我依旧很努力。

这些年来，我都在学习努力做好自己，努力向上爬。

我生活过得很好，我学会珍惜，我更爱我家人，更爱自己。

妈妈，你有偷看我部落格吗？

"20 facts about me" seems to be the latest trend now, i found it quite interesting. Thank you for tagging me, you know who you are. I'm not going to share it in Instagram because i hate typing using my phone (First Fact) .Therefore, I'm going to share it here...In my blog. Reveal some random facts about myself. Btw, 20 is not enough for me, i think i need 200 facts. But i know no one wants to read it if it's too long..Hahaha. So i will do it 20 first. There's no harm telling. Add on, I wish people could understand me better too. 

There you go.. Hope you guys enjoy this post. 

1. I love my family, a lot a lot. 

2. I'm the only daughter in my family

3. I'm 23 this year and i feel very very very old already. 

4. I love sports. I'm a gym addict. I feel super uncomfortable and depressed if i don't work my ass off.

5. My real name is Kho Xiao Tung. I've no idea why there's a "XIAO" in my name. I'm not xiao (Small) at ALL.. Hahahaha.

6. I love my bf, hopefully he won't cheat on me and our relationship can last forever. 

7. i DREAM every single night (weird, horror, violent, alien etc)

*insomnia sucks*

8. I LOVE TO TRAVEL!! a lot a lot a lot! Wish i could travel to europe country one day!

9. I over stressed myself, all the time! Because i'm a perfectionist Virgo. 

10. I'm very stubborn, emotional and BAD TEMPERED girl ( my bf & my friends said that)

11. I'm not good in socializing people

12. I'm SHY sometimes, i blush whenever i feel uncomfortable 

13. I always plan about my future, i dream BIG! 

14. I'm a full time blogger and i owned an online boutique

15. I don't have armpit hair, idk why. I just don't have it! LOL! 

16. I love to SING, but i'm shy to sing in front of not-so-close friends

17. I love to eat raw garlic, raw onion, super spicy chilies. I need either one to complete my food. Seriously…It's something i can't live without. ( I love spicy food)

18. I want my food to be HOT (so that i can feel like i'm eating something into my stomach), i don't feel like eating it if it's cold or leftovers. 

19. I wanna get rich and successful in the future, but i hope it's something i gain it with my future husband. Building our empire and future together. That's romantic. 

20. I don't eat chewing gum, i hate it 

Ooopps, 20 already? Thought i could type more..hahahaha

Alright, I'm done with mine ❤

What about you? 

*The one who's reading this*

I don't know where to start. There's so much I need to say..

Alright, let's "blaaaaa" about some random thoughts today.  

Let's talk about my BLOG.

Blogging is a great place to share your thoughts, thought you need to get out from your mind. Get out everything that circulates in your head for a day. Some things you want to keep as a memory and some things that you just want to get out of your thoughts. A diary to keep track of where I had myself all these years. I started a few years ago. I think I was about 16 years old when I started my first . I had no idea what it could do for me . I did it mostly because during my teenage time, blogging is like a trend. So i started to blog. hahahaha. I am blogging not because I wanted everybody else would read it. it was only for my own sake. Then it evolved into people actually started reading my blog and I was motivated to inspire people with my thoughts , hard work and i really love what i was doing.

A lot of people asked me : What you blog about? Still got people reading blog?

Yes, blogging might be outdated. Because everyone is lazy to READ. I know that.

Everyone prefer watching YOUTUBE video now, that's the reason why Youtubers are now way more famous than a lot of bloggers & celebrities. (⌒-⌒; )

SIGHHHH, I'm at a breaking point now again. 

Sometimes, it's hard to pretend to be happy when deep inside, I am just breaking apart.

Sometimes, i really feel like giving up my blog. I've lost myself tons of times.  

But i don't wanna give up, it's something that i manage for years. So many efforts that i've put in. I wanna do it WELL. I like getting compliments, who doesn't. It came back positive feedback & comment that gave me motivation to continue. I feel really happy when someone tells me they read my blog. That's what keep me motivate all these years. Of course, I had some negatives comments too.

Haters gonna hate. All i can do is just take the negative as fuel to work harder..

Once you're in this industry, you have to accept everything that throws at you. (¬_¬)

Blogging & my online business is all i have right now. I feel so stressful sometime. But no one understand why. People often thought that being a blogger is just everything being pretty, being perfect, earning big bucks, getting huge sponsors but at the end of the day. BUT, It's not as simple as what you think and it's not easy to manage a blog + online business at the same time. 

Very often, I am asked if there are any downsides about being in the public eye, yes of course. Many. I'm really not perfect. Nothing close to perfect. In fact, no one is. I've made a mistake and like every other human being. So, don't judge. You don't have privacy at times, you have to be prepared to get criticism by others. It's really ridiculous when people criticism you even though they don't know you. Story makers everywhere. I've no time for them, i should just do what i suppose to do. At the end of the day, that's my life. Am i right?

Never stop making your life what you want it to be.

LEARN, LEAD and LOVE your own journey.

Well…...Maybe i should go back to FITNESS. Exercise keeps me Positive all the time.
Believe it or not, I've skipped gym for months. YES I'M SERIOUS. How could that possibly happen right? hahahaha. But i'm not giving up, NO WAY! I'm still in love with workout, passionate about fitness. I know right, long time never SHARE about my fitness tips in my blog, just some short video in my Instagram….HAHAHAHA (>_<)

A photo of my current condition #abs 

The result of not going to gym & not eating clean for months. 

I'm sure my fat percentage is more than 20% now. ABS is bloated!

Will boost myself up this month & cut down the fats. 

No worries dearie, I'm preparing for next fitness post now. I will be back ❤

Do let me know what you all want me to share about :)

Thanks for reading * xoxo

with love,

Karen 

        有些人分开了

　　爱情还睡在思念上

　　等有机会再在一起

　   可惜还没等到就没机会了

　　有些事一直违背意愿

　　等有机会自由了

　　却已经不能挽回了

　　有些话一直言不由衷

　　等有机会对自己忠诚了

　　却已经没有机会了

　　有些梦一直没机会圆

　　等有机会了

　　却已经碎了

　　有些事是有很多机会做的

　　却总是各种理由推脱

　　等想做了却没机会了

　　有些约等了你很久

　　却不守时

　　等想回头的时候却没机会赴了

　　人生有时候就是平行线

　　一转身就可能各自天涯

　　再也没有交集

　　说好一辈子的

　　不知怎么就食言了

　　想来想去也不知道是什么原因

　　原来一别

　　便是一生

I know i shouldn't think that much, i know i shouldn't be so emo. That's too much. I know already had someone beside me, trying so hard to accompany me, cheer me up. But i just can't help myself from thinking, crying, dying. It's too much pain to bare. I can stop talking & mentioning about this, but deep inside..i can't. Memories kills. I reread your blog i asked you to create few years back just now. I know i shouldn't read it, but i really miss how things used to be. All the good and the bad memories we had. That's too deep, too deep. I can't forget. I rather accept the fact that we'd already broke up…not  contacting each other than you're forever gone. I really hate what happened right now, but i can do nothing, nothing. You're the reason why and who i am today. But now, i feel so weak.

I don't know who can i talk to right now, he went to class. Even if he's here..i can't tell him. I'm tired of crying in front of people, i hate showing my weaknesses in front of others. But i'm dying inside, i can't stop myself from thinking. Sometimes, i can hold my tears from falling down, but sometimes i can't stop myself from crying..You have a special place in my heart, you're always on my mind, this is about to tear me apart. But i don't wanna forget every single thing we had. It's almost two weeks already, i waited and waited for you to talk to me. I'm wondering, where are you… Why didn't you come see me in my dream? I wanna talk to you, so badly. 

只要一静下来，我就快崩溃了。

I don't know where to start, how to start.
我挣扎了好久好久，不知道应不应该写这篇文章。
可是不在这里发泄该在哪里发泄呢？可以告诉谁呢？


最近发生了一些事，一些我不想相信的事，我不知道该怎么说。
如果可以 我真的不想面对，不想接受事实。
我很难过，连家也不敢回。我在父母面前故作坚强忍住泪水。
那晚，我看见妈妈一直红着眼眶我心真的很痛，但是我们都没有说出口。

不知道为什么我的人生需要经历那么多波折。
我才23岁，为什么要经历那么多生离死别。
如果时间可以回到21岁生日那年该有多好……………….

我不知道该怎么形容我的感受

这是成长的代价吗？
两年前，我失去了一位很要好的朋友。那种痛，我永远都不会忘记。
记得那天我收到她的死讯的那刻，我吓傻了…那时“他”还陪在我身边安慰我，我都还记得。
那种感觉就像从我心里割了一块肉出来似的。很痛很痛却无能为力。

一波未平一波又起，没想到，两年后的现在。
我再度失去了一个生命中重要的人。
一个彻底改变我的人。
一个在我人生最多波折期陪在我身边的人。
一个陪我经历最多的人。
一个这几年来我每天都见的人。
一个比我家人更亲的人。
一个比我自己更了解自己的人。
一个影响我最深的人。
一个爱得最深的人。
一个让我奋不顾身去原谅的人。

或许你不知道你在我心目中的位置
但是，我还有很多话想对你说，如果可以我还想对你说。

我不知道当初选择离开他是对还是错的。
我只知道这段感情我们都曾经做错了，在还没学会珍惜的时候就已经来不及挽回。
他是一个很有聪明，很有才华的人。我一直相信他在离开我后的生活会更好。
我一直盼望他成功，实现他的梦想…就算他的未来没有我的参与…我只希望他过的好。

但是，为什么上天你要如此残忍。

原来这种才是真正的失去。。。

我无法形容我的痛。

在关心我的人勉强故作坚强还真的有点累。

据说，我是个坚强的女生，但我的坚强是因为你。
现在，坚强是为了什么？是要来干什么的？

当你流多少眼泪都无法改变事实的时候才是真正的痛。

现在的我，只知道。。。。
无论我做什么都无补于事了。

Hello everyone!

Alright, it's time to update about my current skin condition as requested. 

I received a lot of message asking me about my skin condition, some even comment in my Instagram asking me to blog about my skin condition. So yea... i assume a lot of people out there is quite curious about my skin progress more than my body progress. Therefore i'm here again to updates about my skin. 

You know what, i was trying to google about my name last few weeks. The moment when i type "Karen Kho" on the search column, it comes out "Karen Kho Blog", "Karen Kho Instagram" and "Karen Kho Acne" lol….As i know, everyone is well-known in something, i tried to search someone else in google it came out  XXX plastic surgery…so mine is "ACNE" huh… hahahahha! At least i'm 'famous' in something, my acne problem! Am i suppose to be happy or what? LOLLLL!

I'm writing this again because i know a lot of people out there facing the same problem with me. For all the people who are suffered badly. Lack of confident, stressed, depressed, feeling lost like what i've experienced before. But i'm so so so glad my skin is getting so much better now compare to last time! Here's a photo of my current condition. zero makeup, only sun block (That's why you can see my dark circle is pretty obvious, like a panda)

Thanks GOD i can finally go out without applying thick foundation on my face,like finally…
Only scars and some light redness left. I'm looking for solution to heal it too…

Btw, I've stopped visiting Dr.Ting & stopped taking Roaccutane for more than a month. So far, my skin never get worst or something, no more breakout at the moment..Phewwwww. I stopped because i've been really busy past few months, don't have time for visiting doctor. I will visit the doctor again when i free cause i need some advice from him too, regarding the scars treatment.

FYI, if you don't know how serious is my skin before this. Have a look with this photo. I'm really really sorry if i scare you off or makes you feel uncomfortable with my photo, but it's just something that i wanted to share with you guys. You should be thankful if you don't have problem like this, but if you are.. don't lose hope cause i didn't. It takes a lot of patient, so be patient & tough.

Took this photo last year during JAN/FEB, i don't really remember the exact time. It's quite serious, but not VERY...for me. Cause there's a time IT IS WORST than this X10000 times.. LOL (I still have all my skin progress photo if you guys are interested to see,LOL)

对不起如果把你吓坏了，它的确是这么恶心的。你们看到的只是照片，但是曾经我每天照镜子的时候看到的就是这张这么恶心的脸在我脸上。你知道那有多折磨吗？

As you see, there's still a lot of active acne and a lot of blackhead and whitehead. I had a lot of white head around my mouth area, i don't know why. It's super super hard to extract, no matter how hard i try….squeeze until the blood also come out, it's still there. LOL.

No matter how much foundation/concealer/powder i apply, nothing can be cover.

Here's a closeup photo of my skin after makeup during 2013

这是上了妆后的脸，还是很多凹凸不平的黑头白头和痘痘。这样脸维持了差不多2年，每天这能化妆出门…虽然应该不要化妆，但是那么严重怎样不化妆出门呢？痘痘也不是我想要的，可以发生在我身上我又能怎样呢…有谁不要美美的皮肤啊？

Another photo of my face after makeup. You can still see the pimples. 

That's the reason why..my whole personality changed. Trust me, it was a hard process and I still struggle with it from time to time. I feel like a freak, i hate it when people stare/look at my face, i'm afraid people might get disgusted with me... I cried, I feel very uncomfortable, pain...I became a very very anti-social, depressed, low-esteem, i don't talk much to people i'm not close with, i hide inside my home, i gave up a lot because of these. It is the most painful time of my life.

在这个什么都以貌取人的现实世界里...其实面对这样的问题是，真的什么自信心都没有了。如果你没有经历过，你是不会明白那种感觉的。每天不敢出门，不敢正视人家，不敢让人家仔细看清楚，很害怕别人嫌弃自己..因为自己看自己都那么讨厌了，还有谁会喜欢啊？曾经皮肤这样的时候真的什么都不想做，只是在那里急急急..不知道几时才变好。但是其实这样是错的，皮肤这样是要时间康复的，要有耐心，而且在等待皮肤好转的当儿可以去做别的有效率的东西比如健身之类的。因为我的mindset是，没有美美的样子也要练个好身材，哈哈哈。但是很庆幸经过了1－2年皮肤真的好转了，虽然还没完全康复但是还是也很庆幸自己想通了（这比一切都重要），熬过了那么多。当我低潮的时候常常会告诉自己，这只是一个考验，爱我的人自然会爱我..不要放弃自己，努力做好自然有人会看到的。如果你身边有一个面临皮肤问题的朋友记得要给他／她支持和鼓励，因为他们最需要的就是身边的人不离不弃。

But still, I have come to accept myself for who I am. I'm so thankful i manage to correct my mind from being negative. I know how acne KILLS your confidence and self esteem cause i've experienced it. Anyways, the point I wanted to make on here is we have to keep on living. It's just a obstacles to make us stronger. Yes, it is true that some people look at our face and get disgusted.. but it's ok.. People who love you will love you for who you are. 

Honestly, people with acne are some of the strongest people out there. We face the world when all we want to do is hide, we struggle EVERYDAY with a negative self image but we still manage to live. 

好了今天就分享到这里，迟点会再分享我护肤品跟治疗心德。哈哈，说到这个真的可以讲3天3夜都说不完的..所以还是到此为此好了。有什么问题可以comment留言问我，我会一一解答。

Alright, that's all for today. I will blog about the skin treatment i did and skin care i used now soon.

Do leave me a comment down below if there's any question or request, thanks! 

STAY TUNED for me next post :)

Thanks for reading this long long post * xoxo

It's another sleepless night, back to blog since I've got nothing to do. 

Alright, this will be a super long articles because i'm trying to express my feelings out tonight. Well, I should have sleep earlier for a healthier body and skin,but i failed. Hate being alone in the night, memories keep spinning in my head. The good one,the bad one. As usual.. 

Maybe i should learn how to quiet my mind, there's too many voices inside my head. A lot of people around me said that i overstressed myself all the time. But i just can't stop thinking, i worried about everything. Over-thinking is what ruined me.

I don't remember when is the last time i blog about my own stuff. 

Yea i know, recently my blog is now full of advertorial posts which most of the readers is not interested with, hahahaha! I'm sorry my readers, that's not what i want to. I always claim that i was busy.. don't have time to update my blog..this and that..well, these are all excuses! 

In fact.. I'm lost, i think i lost my passion to blog, i found nothing to blog about, i think a lot before i wanted to blog about something and ended up i publish nothing, LOL! I don't know what's the things that stopping me, maybe I'm the only one who stopping myself. i re-read all my previous articles just now and i started to think "How come i got so much to blog about one -.-" …I blogged about everything last time! Sigh, But now i'm different, i consider before i publish any posts. I don't feel like showing people my weaknesses,  I'm afraid perhaps. So i guess that's the reason of why i don't have any updates recently.

As a blogger, i should keep my blog alive/updates, but i didn't. 

Every night when i'm home, the only things i do is just Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

I do open my blog and check about my stats sometimes, but when i feel like create a new post..my mind goes blank. AGRHHHH, How could that be? I don't know how to start, what to blog, what to blog with… *what a joke* So what i do is just go back to Facebook and scrolling, LOL!

You know what, I'm going through a hard time, I can't express my true feeling, i've no idea how to explain it out. I'm a very emotional person. I’ve noticed that I have this awful habit of masking how I truly feel or forcing myself to feel differently long time ago. I constantly have to remind myself that I am a human being and that it’s okay to feel bad sometimes. No one is positive every second of every day.

But seriously.. trying to convince myself that I'm fine when I'm not will only make me feel worse.  Whenever I go through some sort of fallout, whether it’s with a friend or a love interest, I will just immediately cover the wound by telling myself that I’m over that person and they mean nothing to me anymore. I just smile and tell everyone I’m over it.

I know that's not healthy, i should open up to people..But i have hard times telling people how i feel.

I wish there's someone who can read my mind 100% and help me up now.What can i do?

…………...I need some motivations. 

我想说，要经营一个部落格还真是不容易，一没更新Traffic就跌个不像样。
曾经写部落格是我的兴趣，也是我的职业，但是少了推动力还真是蛮辛苦的。
不知道为什么以前可以毫不犹疑的把生活点滴都PO在部落格里，但是如今的我..脑子里好多顾虑，不知道什么该说，什么不该说，与其把伤疤让人看倒不如把它东西收在心里。所以久而久之都不知道可以PO些什么了。但是，我不想放弃我的部落格啊！

最近真的很压力，前几天我崩溃的哭了。但是流泪又能怎样呢，问题还是存在的。
朋友的爸爸帮我看掌纹..他说我应该放松自己，别想太多，我做人太压力了，再这样下去会影响健康。可是我真的控制不了自己，每天总会想些有的没的，每天想该怎么做更好，怎样赚更多钱，怎样好好发展自己的事业，怎样才可以有自立的能力。

朋友告诉我说我这样做人很累，我还年轻，不该想那么多的。
但是我内心有太多恐惧，太多担忧，好怕自己变老就没有那个魄力，好怕被人看不起，好怕被人抛弃，好怕差落人后，好像有独立的能力。

是不是想太多啊，这个坏习惯还真不知道怎么改。

我有点累了…..正能量，你在哪里？

20岁，是一个男生什么都没有的时候，给不了女生任何。但20岁，是一个女生青春最灿烂的时候，她却选择跟了你。

20岁，一个男生最低潮的时候，现实说，没有房，没有车，没有事业，没有钱……内涵点说，没有责任心，不够成熟，没学会包容……有的最多也只是一张帅气点儿年轻的脸．但他们却容易凭借着自己的年轻去贪心，花心，伤害……做一些冲动的事，自认为很勇敢的却从不去想结果的事．

20岁，一个女生最青春的时候，而且是青春很干净又最灿烂的时候，她拥有着最真诚的心，很单纯的只想好好对一个人．

男人随着年龄的增长会越来越有魅力，而女人随着年龄的增长，会越来越暗淡．她的暗淡不是因为内在，阅历只会让人成熟而更有魅力。是她的容颜．青春是永远败给时间的．不论曾经有多少人爱慕你年轻时的容颜，随着时间，这些人早已烟消云散，不再陪在你的身边，过客……而女人却容易傻的为一个无情的男人耗尽她的一生．

而一生有多长？

不必虚伪，任何一个男人都只喜欢年轻的女子，喜欢她们的青春……而青春可以保留多久？
没错，这个社会是现实的，所以生活里让男人和女人慢慢的沦陷，沉迷……变成自私不负责任的男人，虚荣现实的女人．而原来的真诚已经被磨的早已不见踪影．直到在和别人谈真诚时，别人会说：”真诚？值几个钱？而谁又没真诚过啊？”

所以，20岁，这个让人心动的年龄，女生和一个20岁的男生在一起为的是什么？
你什么都没有，她选择跟了你，只是因为她诚实的面对自己那颗真诚的心－喜欢着你，想和你一起，对你好．不想想任何，那样纯粹

所以，男孩请珍惜20岁时陪在你身边的女孩。因为，她是用自己人生最美好的时光去爱你的。二十岁的爱是最纯洁的爱，这种毫不计较为对方付出的爱，是没有精力再来第二次的…